Loss anniversaries are never easy, even if they may get easier over time. 2 years ago we lost a baby to miscarriage and I still grieve his loss to this day. Many of you know that wasn’t our only loss but it was our first and it was the hardest. Since then there have been many changes in our lives and my husband and I have grown even closer. Our daughter is now turning 7 this month and is the light in my life. Some days I just can’t shake the overwhelming sadness though.
I promised an update on our journey a while back but haven’t been able to bring myself to write about it until today. After the 2nd loss in November of 2013, I felt something had to be wrong with me if I kept losing babies. I made an appointment with a different OB because my primary care doctor refused to test my progesterone levels when I found out I was pregnant in early November. I begged her to just check but she wouldn’t and then I went for a second opinion. Unfortunately, that doctor was in the same camp of thinking that if progesterone levels are low, you’ll miscarry anyway. As you know, I lost that one early, just shy of the 6-week mark. So I went to a different OB in January of 2014 to have my levels checked during a “normal” cycle and it appeared I did indeed have naturally low progesterone levels. Whether that was due to the recent miscarriage or it actually is a genuine problem for me, who really knows? She prescribed me supplements and I started taking them in hopes of becoming pregnant again but I was still worried that I was missing something.
I then made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE), often referred to as a fertility specialist. She ran a lot of blood work and tests and everything looked pretty good…except for one thing. I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. It’s not always a big deal but for some it can lead to recurrent pregnancy loss, including late term loss and stillbirths. The regimen includes low-dose aspirin and lovenox (a shot similar to heparin) after a positive pregnancy test. I started the low-dose aspirin right away since I knew it wouldn’t hurt. I also took fertility medications to increase my chances of becoming pregnant for a few months. I went right back into the routine of temping and charting and feeling overwhelmed to try and have a baby. It got to be too much and I decided I had to stop the madness for the time being. I also decided there was a deadline – February 2015. If I wasn’t pregnant by then, we would no longer try. It helped knowing there was an end in sight. I started focusing on other things in my life again. Then out of the blue, we had a whirlwind adventure of buying a house early last summer. I didn’t even have time to really think about trying to get pregnant. I still thought about it from time to time but it wasn’t my main focus.
Then, my world was turned upside down on September 2nd. (Trigger starts) I felt off and as a woman who has been trying to conceive for quite sometime, there were always pregnancy tests in the house. So I took one and sure enough, there were 2 pink lines! BFP! (Big fat positive for those not in the trying to conceive world)
I found out incredibly early at just shy of 4 weeks and I was not happy like most would expect. Instead I was terrified. The first few weeks, I would break down and cry because I could not bare the thought of losing another. Then slowly but surely, hope started to seep into my thoughts and being. We shared the news around Halloween and our daughter’s pure elation has been the excitement and hope that I needed to keep me going in moments of doubt or sheer panic. I wish I could say that goes away but even at 30 weeks pregnant, I still think about what I will do if I lose him, too. (Yes, it’s a boy!!)
So here I am today. 30 weeks pregnant and grieving the loss of a baby from 2 years ago. Terrified at moments. Excited during others. I still envy those that announce their pregnancies and I know they don’t think about loss or what it took to have that baby. I spent 18 months trying to get pregnant after the first loss. It’s been such a journey and one now that I am pregnant again has been difficult to talk about, hence the distance over the past several months. I welcome my re-entry back into the world of journaling and blogdom though. Thanks for going on this journey with me.